Is your spouse physically hurting you? Or telling you hurtful things? Do you feel abused physically or even verbally by your spouse?
Being married for 17 years, after numerous counseling, I just need to write this because I have witnessed many women who have been physically abused yet choose to live in silence and fear. Likewise, I have witnessed many men who have become so resigned about their relationship with their own wives because of verbal abuse.
ACCEPT THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM
Unless you accept the fact that you are in a situation in which you need help, you will not be able to see any positive change in your situation.
Stop being in denial. Don’t cover up or even justify what your wife or husband is doing. Start accepting that you are in a problematic situation.
Accepting your situation for what it is is not easy. Oftentimes, you have probably wanted to just ignore your situation. But until you are able to do the first step – which is admit that you have a problem – you won’t be able to improve your relationship with your spouse.
Okay, so now that you have accepted that you do have a problem in your situation, now what?
ATTEND COUNSELLING
Now that you have admitted that you need help, it’s now time to decide to get help. The presence of physical or verbal abuse in a relationship warrants help.
Yes, it’s good for you, as a couple, to talk about your problems on your own. However, there are problems that are difficult to deal with yourselves, and simply cannot be solved on your own. So it is best for you to go to someone who can give you counsel.
But be careful. Make sure that you don’t ask for advice just from anyone. Not everyone who is willing to give advice can give the right advice.
First check if this person has the reputation of being able to give good counsel to married couples. Is he or she married? Does he or she have a thriving married life? Or maybe this person is still single? Or maybe someone who has a spouse but three different ones?
Think of it this way. If you are having a toothache, will you ask for advice from a plumber? If you want to buy a house, will you go to a travel agency? If you’re hungry, will you go to the bank?
Isn’t it that if you need something, you will go to someone who can give you expert advice? This simply means that when it comes to issues pertaining to the married life, we need to get in touch with people who can actually help us and give us the right counsel.
But what if your spouse is still unwilling to participate?
GIVE AN ULTIMATUM
There will come a point when you will need to stop up and voice out your concern. If your spouse does not want to listen to you, give him or her an ultimatum. Make sure that that ultimatum is not an empty promise, otherwise, your spouse might not take it seriously.
Tell your spouse that you are acknowledging your problems as a couple and that you accept your situation. However, even if you accept it, it doesn’t mean that you will tolerate it. Tell him or her that you are willing to take the necessary steps to improve your relationship, but you will need his or her participation.
Add that if your spouse doesn’t want to participate, then you will be forced to do what you don’t want to do, which is to part ways and end the relationship.
But please do remember, ending your marriage is not the always the answer to every married couple’s problems. Ending your marriage is never according to the will of God.
But if your life is at risk, and if you think that your spouse will all the more continue to be more abusive if you make suggestions to improve your marriage, then it is best to call someone who can help you get out of this situation. Fast.
Abuse in any form should never be tolerated. Communicate with your spouse. Attend counseling sessions with him or her. Do everything in your power to improve your marriage. And if all else fails, don’t be afraid to seek help from the right people and if needed, the proper authorities.
THINK. REFLECT. APPLY.
Do you accept that you and your spouse have a problem with regard to physical or verbal abuse? Are you willing to attend counseling sessions with your spouse to improve your marriage? Is an ultimatum needed for your spouse to take action?
To know more, please grab a copy of our book Happy Wife, Happy Life. It is now available at all leading bookstores. Follow me also at www.chinkeetan.com. (Chinkee Tan)