By: Rica Cruz
This response is for a letter published in the previous issue.
Dear Confused,
I am really sorry that you are going through this. It is never fine for a person, regardless of gender, to pressure another person to have sexual relations with them. It is also never okay to be forced into having sex when you do not want to.
I do understand how you’re feeling confused about what happened – you love him and want to be with him, but there’s a part of you that feels betrayed and violated. I suggest that you reach out to people you trust for support. I know that it can be difficult, but you should not go through this by yourself.
From what you’ve written, it seems like wala kang binigay na consent to your boyfriend. Consent in sex means being able to willingly and actively agree to any sexual behavior.
At hindi lang ito nangyayari at the start. Consent should be given all throughout the deed. Being honest, open, and clear in communication and approval are needed para makapagbigay ng consent.
What you’ve gone through can be considered as acquaintance rape. A type of sexual assault that’s done by someone a survivor knows.
In this case, your boyfriend. Sa totoo lang, around 95 percent of sexual assaults are done by someone a person knows or an acquaintance.
Nakakalungkot, di ba? These are people whom you’re supposed trust, but they manage to betray you.
Asking him to stop is already an indication that you are not consenting to his actions. Because of that, it was your boyfriend’s obligation to stop and acknowledge your request. By not doing so, he has disrespected and violated you.
Hindi mo siya pinabayaan. Dahil hindi mo nagawang tulakin siya does not mean na pinabayaan mo siya to do what he did.
Maybe you’re thinking na dahil hindi ka lumaban, naisip ng boyfriend mo na okay lang na ituloy, kaya ito nangyari.
Regardless of what he thought, the fact that you did not give him consent is enough for him to not push through.
Madaming rason kung bakit hindi mo siya naitulak kahit na gusto mo – you may have been shocked, scared, or even numb.
Pwede ring natakot ka and you chose to cooperate para hindi ka lalong masaktan.
Contrary to the popular view, hindi kailangan maging physical ang paglaban para masabi na hindi gusto ng isang tao ang ginagawa sa kaniya, lalo na in any sexual activity. Again, the fact that you told him to stop is more than enough.
Hindi mo ito kasalanan. Hindi mo ito kagustuhan. Wala kang ginawang mali at normal lang na magalit ka dahil sa mga pangyayari.
You were assualted, violated, and disrespected by someone you love and trust and regardless of the circumstance, it is not your behavior that should be the basis for this to be considered a sexual assault. It is your boyfriend’s.
…to be continued.
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If you have questions on love and sex that you want me to answer, you may message me at www.facebook.com/TheSexyMind or DM me on Instagram: @_ricacruz.
Biography: Rica Cruz is a Licensed Psychologist, Marriage Counselor, and Sex Therapist. She comes out as the Resident Psychologist on Boys’ Night Out every Thursday night on Magic 89.9.
