By Rica Cruz
Dear Ms. Rica,
Bakit po na pagkatapos ng one-two years, parang nawawala na ang passion sa relationships? Whenever I’m in a relationship, kapag nawala na po ung passion, parang hindi ko po kaya mahalin yung tao.
For example po, with my girlfriend now, I don’t find myself to be motivated to have sex with her. Pero po nung nagdadate pa lang kami, I felt like I don’t want to lose her and gusto ko po palagi siyang kasama. Pero ngayon po, ayoko na. Sometimes, I even think of breaking up with her. I’m confused because I do love her, pero minsan, ayaw ko na sa kaniya. What do I need to do?
Confused Passionate Lover
Hello Confused Passionate Lover,
It seems like you’re talking for a lot of other people here. Hindi lang ikaw ang nakakaranas ng ganiyan. Kasi, pagdating sa pag-ibig, normal ang nararamdaman mo.
There are a number of theories on the different stages of love. Pero what I’m sure of is that what you’re describing is what’s commonly called the “infatuation phase” or “limerence.” During this phase, you experience the sensations of being inlove:
• parang ayaw mo na magkahiwalay kayo;
• you always think about her;
• you want to kiss her and have sex with her all the time;
• masaya ka kapag nakikita mo siya;
• you see her as someone perfect for you; and the list goes on.
This phase can last for as short as two weeks to as long as two years. When this phase dies down, passion may wane, and real intimacy comes in. This is the time when you see your partner as a real person – her quirks, traits, attitudes, and your differences – and not just as “the perfect person” for you. Some people may find entering this phase quite a struggle, kasi hindi na “masaya” o “tulad nang dati,” which is why you may hear a lot of people breaking up after a year or two. But in reality, this time could show how much you really love each other, and how well both of you may be able to keep up with the relationship and commit to each other.
Passion, intimacy, and commitment are the three components of a conssumate love. And in most relationships, each of these three components may gain or lose intensity or significance over time. If you’re saying that your passion has died down, and it sounds like you’re going through the next phase of love, where you build emotional intimacy. This does not mean that you should be complacent na wala na ung passion in your relationship. Instead, working on building intimacy may actually be a way for you to rekindle the passion na sabi mo ay nawala na.
So how do you increase intimacy and reignite the passion with your girlfriend?
• Touch each other. Pwedeng in a sexual way or kahit hindi. Simple acts of touching such as hugging, holding hands, or kissing, may increase intimacy and your desire for one another.
• Play! Do you guys still play? And when I say play, kahit anong play! Play in the bedroom, play outside, even play videogames! Playing with each other in and out of the bedrrom could give you feelings of excitement and closeness that could strengthen your relationship.
• Make sex a priority. Make sure that you have that sexual intimacy at least once a week!
You may do it spontaneously, or you may schedule it. However you guys want to do it, make sure that you do it regularly.
These are just a few ways for you to bring back that desire for her that you’re saying you lost. However, you may also want to reflect on the things na sinasabi mong away mo sa kaniya. What makes you want to break up with her? Is it just the desire meron pa bang iba? Have you talked to her about these things? If you haven’t done so, I suggest that you do. Tell her how you feel, but be also careful about how she feels. Remember, passion and intimacy stem from openness, honesty, (and a little bit of trustful mistery.) #takeitfromthesexymind
With Love and lust,
Rica
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If you have questions on love and sex that you want me to answer, you may message me atwww.facebook.com/TheSexyMind or DM me on Twitter or Instagram: @_ricacruz.
Biography: Rica Cruz is a Licensed Psychologist, Marriage Counselor, and Sex Therapist. She comes out as the Resident Psychologist on Boys’ Night Out every Thursday night on Magic 89.9.
