Dear Manay Gina,
Hi! I am a college student, whose best friend’s father died weeks ago. My best friend is like a sister to me. So, I really want to help her at this point in her life.
She was, at first, crying uncontrollably when I visited her during the wake. But to my confusion, she immediately moved to another subject. On my part, I just listened because I thought that maybe it was her way of coping with her great loss. When I saw her again in school, she didn’t bring it up and just acted like everything was okay. My question is: Is it normal for a child to avoid talking about her father’s death? I know she’s still in pain, and I want to help her. I just don’t know how.
Irene
Dear Irene,
You are a very good friend to ask these questions. If she had a positive relationship with her father, it will take a long time for her to get through this sad incident. The grieving process can take three to five years, depending on the person’s closeness to the one who died. One thing is certain though, the pain of losing someone you love doesn’t really go away, you just learn how to accept and live with it.
As for your friend: You are probably right. This is the way she is managing her pain for now, shutting her feelings during different parts of the day just so she can get through what she has to do. If your friend is just holding it together, she won’t appreciate it if you try to get her to talk about her dad during school. What you can do, though, is let her know you respect her need to act as if she’s okay but that you are willing to be supportive when and if she wants you to be.
With affection,
Manay Gina
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“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing… not healing, not curing… that is a friend who cares.” – Henri Nouwen
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