Dear Manay Gina,
I’m a middle-aged woman who married a widower. I am aware that he had a happy marriage with his first wife. In fact, he told me she was his soul mate. The thing is, his devotion to his dead wife now affects our relationship. I feel like I’m competing with a ghost. During our last anniversary, for example, he gave me a pendant that resembled the one that he gave her. Once, he also likened me to a gem with so and so attributes. Imagine my disappointment when I learned that he said the same words to his wife. Because of this, I honestly feel that I’m so second-rate? How can I get over this because my disappointment is now turning into resentment?
Dothy
Dear Dothy,
You said his first wife was his soul-mate, can’t you forgive him for loving you with the same intensity as he loved her?
It is best that you two start to have some new traditions. Go somewhere together where neither of you has ever been. Give him time to settle in to creating a unique marital experience with you. And, if you can manage to forgive him for his mistakes and bury your own resentment toward him, you will find that the ghost of his former wife will gradually fade.
To succeed, you should believe in your own ability to cope with this situation. Both of you should also learn to construct little edifices of affection out of your shared needs and weaknesses. You have found each other. That’s something powerful to trust in, you know.
With affection,
Manay Gina
“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.” – John F. Kennedy
Send questions to [email protected]
