HAVE you made a mistake? You’ve started a business but it didn’t work?
You lost your life savings in a bad investment? You lent money to a relative who never paid you back?
“This is all your fault! We will not be in debt if you just listened to me!”
“You never learn. When will you mature?”
It’s amazing how it can be so simple to point your finger to another, most especially if that other person is your spouse. When things don’t go your way or how you expected them to go, lifting the finger and blaming the other person seems like the next easiest thing to do.
The blame game has been present even from the time of Adam and Eve. Remember how Adam threw God and Eve under the bus after partaking of the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Life?
When God asked Adam what happened, he was quick to point his finger at Eve. And up to this very day, the blame game has been a favorite of most married couples to play.
However, the blame game is destructive in nature. We may sometimes feel like we’re saving ourselves but we are actually destroying something deeper in the process.
The blame game demonstrates our inability to navigate the deeper causes of a crisis and emerge at the end as someone who had done everything right. When we do this, we develop a sense of mistrust to our spouse which will later on result to a strained marriage.
And while we’ve somehow mastered this game, it’s never too late to stop playing it. Here are three ways to stop playing the blame game in your marriage:
LEARN TO FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM
One way to avoid playing the blame game in your marriage is by focusing on the problem and the issue at hand instead of each other. Rather than seeing and criticizing how your spouse reacts or handles the conflict, try to focus your attention and energy on the problem at hand and the probable solutions for it. This way, you can look for resolutions instead of blaming each other.
REMEMBER TO ALWAYS PRIORITIZE RESPECT
When you make an effort to show respect to each other in the midst of a crisis, the likelihood of blaming each other becomes less. Respect enables you to listen and give your spouse the extra grace, allowing you to put the idea of pointing your finger to your spouse behind.
PRACTICE SELF EVALUATION
You can also minimize and avoid playing the blame game with your spouse when you begin to redirect your attention to self-evaluation:
How did I react to the situation? Why did I react the way I did?
What caused my disappointment?
Because we really can’t control how our spouse reacts, let’s focus on those that we can – our own reactions.
Stopping the blame game in your marriage will require a commitment from the two of you, and unless you both make an effort to focus on the problem instead of each other, making respect a priority in your relationship and giving importance to self assessment, eliminating the blame can be a bit challenging.
THINK. REFLECT. APPLY.
Do you find yourselves playing the blame game in your marriage? Does it positively or negatively affect your marriage? Does playing the blame game resolve or make your conflict with your spouse worse?
“One who cannot dance must not blame the song” – Matshona Dhliwayo
