Rough sex

Hi Ms. Rica,

My boyfriend chokes me during sex. Minsan, nagig­ing sobrang rough and it makes me uncomfortable. Napansin ko nga the other day na may marks na ako. I don’t know what to do.

                                                                        Not A Choker

Hello Not A Choker,

I’m sorry to hear that sexy time with your boyfriend is making you uncomfortable. I believe that sex should be enjoyable and pleasurable for all the parties involved. Kaya kung hindi ka na nag-eenjoy, kailangan ay magkaroon na ng intervention para hindi ito magtuluy-tuloy.

Totoo naman na may mga taong mas gusto ang rough sex. Mas na-arouse sila dito at mas nag-eenjoy, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, since sex involves other people, it should come with boundaries, and in your case, mukhang na overstep ang boundaries na ito, and that’s where the problem starts. Hindi rin healthy na nagkakaroon ka ng marks on your body, lalo na kung hindi mo naman ito ginusto.

I do hope that you get the courage to tell your boyfriend how you feel about his rough sex. Opening up to him and letting him know that you feel violated may help him become aware that there are limitations to his sexy play. Baka kasi hindi niya alam na nakakasakit na pala siya at baka nadadala siya sa moment at hindi na niya alam ang kaniyang boundaries.

Moving forward, baka rin makatulong na i-evaluate niyo at ire-assess and inyong sex life. Importante na malinaw sa inyong dalawa kung ano ano ang gusto niyo during sexy time. You may also want to do these things, para mas madali niyo itong mapagusapan:

• List it down – when you talk about your wants and desires during sex, list them all down and go through them together. Then you can put “yes,” “no,” and “maybe” beside each one, na pareho kayong magdedecide. That way, alam niyo pareho kung ano ang pwede at hindi pwede gawin.
• Pick a safeword – a safeword will help your boyfriend know when to stop, slow down, and check in with you. Kapag sinabi mo itong safeword na ito during sex, mas madali for him to know that you’re not comfortable.
• Start slow – if you’re open to exploring with your boyfriend kung ano pa ang mga bagay that would make you uncomfortable, at ano pa ang mga sex acts that you would enjoy, I suggest that you start slow. You may try things one at a time, on your own pace para hindi ka rin mabibigla at masasaktan in the process.

Learning and continuing to know more about each other and being honest about how you feel, what you want, and what you don’t want can make your relationship stronger and your sex life more enjoyable. However, if you feel that you’re traumarized and violated, I also suggest that you see a professional to help you get through this. Hope it will all get better soon.

With love and lust,

Rica

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If you have questions on love and sex that you want me to answer, you may mes­sage me at www.facebook.com/TheSexyMind or DM me on Twitter or Instagram: @_ricacruz.

Biography: Rica Cruz is a Li­censed Psychologist, Marriage Counselor, and Sex Therapist. She comes out as the Resident Psychologist on Boys’ Night Out every Thursday night on Magic 89.9.